For most who have grown up to the fairy tales of Cinderella and Snow White, marriage is seen as a entry to a world of magic, a world where a partner plays the role of the prince and the other the princess, a world filled with intimacy, laughter and, later, little princes and princesses. But as statistic would show, not all is well in the Kingdom of Eternal Love. In today’s demanding world, even the strongest relationship can end up in divorce.

The Story

Growing up, we acquire a picture of our future partners through our interactions with our parental figures. Often we emulate our parents and other times we convince ourselves to marry someone totally opposite. Armed with this preconception and a set of criteria, we set on about our search for the perfect mate.

The first time you met your special someone, you felt as if the world just opened up and the possibilities were limited. Without knowing the person, you begin to imagine how the world would be to spend eternity with him/her. It is in this stage of the relationship that people lose touch of who they are and the person they are dealing with. Many fail to acknowledge, or for most it lies in the subconscious, that it is not the other person that they fell in love with, but what the other person could be — the possibility.

However, as time progress, minute details about the other person surfaces. Slowly, we become aware that the person we fell in love with really is not the person of our dreams. In our attempt to reconcile our dream lover and the lover of our reality, we attempt to change the person we chose to fit the part in our dreams. Often, the attempt is met with resistance. All the while, the resisting partner also attempts to reconcile the person of his dream with the person that he ended up. It is at this stage that power struggle ensues. In frustration, this is the time when relationships are at their greatest risk of separation or divorce.

TO BE CONTINUED…

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But, I would be lying if I said it is always good. There are times in this early part of my career when I am left wondering and asking myself “what is going on?” I watch as a client’s eyes twinkle in amazement as he discovers a part of himself he’d never thought of one week only to find that twinkle replaced by the look of confusion the following week.

Most weeks are great, while others not so. So, I take it a client at a time, on a week-by-week basis. No matter the modality of my theoretical leaning, the best I offer is a curious understanding and hope — hope that my clients will see that no matter how bad life gets, they have it in them to persevere and succeed.

“Damn you!!” he screamed as the vase flew and hit the back of the closing door - shattering into a million, tiny pieces. The latch snapped like thunder, and the door is shut. Emotions overflowing, his body slumps to a nearby couch, sobbing.

“Look at us, baby, up all night. Tearing our love apart… aren’t we the same two people who lived through years in the dark…” the Eagles blared through the alarm radio. It’s 5:00 a.m.

It is hard to know when love began, but it did. John was 25, a student working on his Ph.D. in physics. She was working on her masters. They met through a mutual friend, introduced at a party. A few bottles of beer, laughter shared, a few movies, and they were inseparable. It was… magic.

John scrambles to his feet. Work will be waiting. He stares at the man in the bathroom mirror, trying to find some semblance of the man he once was. “Where did I go?” The lines on his forehead are starting to show, his hair once black now show streaks of gray. And the dream, the dream, only moments ago had walked away. He is not the young man he once was. “Where do I go?”

She laughed. He thought the joke was corny, but she laughed and thought it funny nonetheless. He liked that about her. To her, he had no fault. Well, maybe a few, but the faults she saw were easy to overcome. It was more important for him to see her smile. John would do anything for her smile, a giggle better, a laugh, he thought, the singing of a thousand angels.

John walks over to the bar, head pounding from the roller coaster ride of emotions of the previous night. Tired and sleepy, but too uptight. “I need a drink, I need a drink.” Work will have to wait. He grabs a glass, uncaps a bottle of whiskey, then hesitates. The glass is nice, but he is alone now and would not be necessary. The first gulp was followed by another, and then another. Squeezing his eyes and shakes his head to drown the strong, bitter taste, his chest slowly loses its tightness. Better. Then another gulp.

Glasses raised high, friends and family alike toasted the newly wed. It was the beginning of a new life, a dream for most, a reality for John. No prettier bride there ever was, and she was his bride. They smile at each other, an understanding, “forever” is much less threatening now. It was a perfect day, the start of a perfect life.

The phone rings. The clock on the wall said 9:37 a.m. “John, John. Are you there? The meeting is waiting for you to start. Call us back, please, if there is any problem.”

There are no kids. They were too busy. Career, had to work on their careers. They were still young, he was 34 and she 32. She mentioned it a few times, but they had all the time in the world. He was caught up in the demands of his job, cannot take time off to raise children. He thought the right time will come. He thought…

“John, John. The clients waited for an hour. They are leaving. We hope you’re alright. Call us as soon as possible.”

Things have not been easy the last few years. She had stopped mentioning the children she wanted to have. She just stopped talking altogether and left him alone with his work. He tried to explain, “it’s for us.” She just smiled, did not argue, and turned around. He wanted to discuss it, but there’s so much work to be done, places to go, people to meet.

Someone said that it is hard to remember when love begins, but you will never forget when it ends. No, John cannot forget. It was just yesterday. He came home to find her sitting on the couch with her arms tightly wrapped around her knees. She looked up when he walked in. She had been crying. “John, there’s someone else…” The world instantly disappeared, his heart sank like lead, his knees shook, wobbled. He could not find a word to express his confused thoughts, no words came to his aid. “I’m pregnant with his child, John.”

“You two will have such lovely children together” a guest at the wedding suggested. They both laughed in accord. He looked forward to growing old with her.

Lost for words, John searched first her face then her eyes for an answer, a reason, a glimmer of love left for him. Nothing but tears and regret. He wanted to beg her to stay, to promise her anything, anything in the world, but it was obvious that she had already made her decision.

He got drunk at his wedding, but she did not get mad. She thought it was funny the way he made a fool of himself. He said he’ll make it up to her. “I know” she replied with a kiss on his forehead. She was always nice like that.

“John, it’s 12:00 p.m. You have another meeting scheduled for 1:00 p.m. We’re canceling all your scheduled meetings for the next few days unless you call us back in the next 15 minutes.”

“I need a drink…”

********

John stared at his torn, muddy pants. He can no longer remember when he first put them on. He held out his open palm and, without looking at the man in the gray suit, apologetically said “so, you see sir, I had not always been like this. I would appreciate it if you could spare a dollar, any change will do.”

“For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?” Mark, 8:36

Theories abound, and numerous studies have shown, that a family’s socioeconomic status, coping mechanism, means of communication, and overall emotional stability exert influence on a child’s behavior and future coping skills. Being born into and growing up in a socioeconomically disadvantaged family (low educational level, single parent homes, demographics) and having at least one parent with maladaptive behavior problem are good predictors that the child(ren) would exhibit maladaptive behavior (Schultz & Shaw, 2003) which may contribute to suicidal ideation (Kashani, 1998) during adolescence, if not earlier.

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